April 2011
1 post
Gear.
There’s one thing and one thing only that is required to be a Seattle denizen: a single, life-consuming hobby. (Well, that and a Prius or early-model sedan, but I digress.) Everyone in Seattle has exactly one thing they do, and that is it, buddy. Every weekend they devote themselves to this higher calling with tremendous aplomb, refusing to interact with other humans, watch TV, drink, or...
February 2011
3 posts
http://theshittygardener.tumblr.com →
If you want to read about my adventures in lawn death, please consider visiting my other Tumblr, The Shitty Gardener.
The Neighbors Have A Castle.
Our little house is in a row of six identical houses built in the 1920s. Except our neighbor’s house.
The neighbor’s house has been expanded to take up three times the original footprint of our house, although they retain the old chimney and awning, presumably as a prank. In no other sense is it recognizable — for example, it is three stories instead of one-and-a-half. It...
“I got a sixty-five dollar ticket yesterday for walking without a reflective vest...”
January 2010
3 posts
The Movies.
We went to the movies the other day and we were like “two tickets, please” and the lady was like “fifteen dollars, please” and Hope said “no, we want TWO!” because we’re from New York
I CAME FROM NEW YORK YO
OK?
Driving.
Look, I’m like most people. When people talk about “how badly people drive in city X hur hur hur” I think they’re stupid, generally. But I came from New York yo. So, in brief, here is what driving in Seattle is like:
“Oh hey! Welcome to Seattle! I’m the powder-blue 1991 Volvo driving in front of you! Yeah, isn’t it weird how the lanes are about 4 feet...
November 2009
2 posts
City Planning.
I am a city planning student. People in Seattle are very hands-on conversationally, and sometimes they ask what I’m doing here, so I tell them. And they always say the same thing: “Oh, good! We really need some city planners around here!”
Needless to say, this is madness, but you can’t just go tell them that. “Oh, I know, I hate it here, the buses run in a super-fast...
Breakin' The Law.
Did you know that in Seattle, you can actually get a ticket for jaywalking? And it’s like $60? In New York that’s a $5 ticket (really), and if a cop tries to give it to you, you’re well within your rights to punch him in the face. Shocking, I know.
The reason that Seattle is so tough on jaywalking is that unlike New York, dealing drugs is apparently legal here, at least judging...
September 2009
3 posts
The Extended Stay America.
Don’t stay here. This isn’t Seattle-specific, but I’m just telling you now, don’t stay here. Ugh.
It’s not their fault. I couldn’t point to one thing they did wrong, although they didn’t do the greatest job cleaning… but the moment you enter you will just feel that you are not supposed to be here. When you enter your room, you’ll be overcome...
Tax.
I went to register my car today. It took five minutes and nobody drooled on me. The lady was like, “Sorry, we have like 8% sales tax on everything.” I was like “Oh jeez, that’s terrible, except I’m FUCKIN FROM NEW YORK YO”
How To Tell If You Are In A Bad Neighborhood In...
1. Does it look like the movie “Wendy and Lucy”?
2. Go rent it. It was good.
3. See that part where she’s talking to the dude about Alaskan canneries?
4. See that part where she’s in line at the can machines?
5. See that part where the crazy dude shows up in the woods?
6. Well, does it look like that?
7. Are stupid dudes with dreadlock beards and six backpacks and septum...